The Liberal Primer: Religion

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Greetings fellow liberals! Today we discuss religion. To the uninitiated it would seem that we are too smug and superior to be concerned about religion but nothing could be further from the truth. The Church of Climatology forms a central part of our lives and we defend it just as zealously as any terrorist defends the great pedophile in the sky. Not only are we willing to kill people to defend our religion, we are willing to ruin careers, livelihoods, and silence anyone critical of our religion.


The tenets of our religion are simple. White men are sinful creatures and are going to destroy our environment. The simple minded think that our credo holds that all men are responsible for the changing climate but that is only what we release for public consumption. If there are two countries a white majority one producing 10 units of pollution, lets call it the US for example, and there is a country with a non-white majority one producing 50 units of pollution, lets call it India or China for example, we would require that the country producing the 10 units of pollution be more highly regulated than those producing 50. In our religion the pollution caused by white men causes more damage to the environment than pollution caused by people of other races.


The church of climatology has a very well defined hierarchy. On top we have our equivalent of the Pope or the Caliph. It is currently the almighty Al Gore. On the next level we have Leo and the rest of the saints residing in our holy city of Hollywood. We use very simple criteria in determining who moves up and down in our hierarchy.  The more famous you are and the more pure your belief in climatology the higher your rank is.


Like any other religion we do have heretics as well. Our colloquial term for them is deniers. They deny the one true faith. When you meet one of these deniers I encourage you to plug you ears and shout “It’s settled Science” at the top of your lungs. This is a very useful phrase to remember. If you ever find yourself backed into a corner or unsure of what to say shouting this is a safe bet. It is like “Deus Vult” for the christians in the middle ages or “Allahu Akbar” for the muslims today. They all mean the same thing. We are right because we believe in our heart we are right. It does not matter what others say.

Rest assured we are going after these heretics. They will hunted down and eliminated. When dealing with these people we are very thorough. First we make sure that they are cut off from any source of funding. We will put pressure on the universities and other places they may be employed to get them fired. Next we will make sure they get humiliated by the press and other agencies controlled by high ranking members of the Church of Climatology. Lastly we make sure that they cannot infect other people with their ideas by censoring them. We can be as thorough as inquisitors employed by the Pope if we put our minds to it.


Every religion has sects which declare the end of the world. Some christians declare that the rapture is coming and hole up in their church. Some muslims say that the final battle is here and head to the middle east to fight. Our religion is no different. In fact out of all major religions we have declared the end of the world the most times. We are very creative as well. Other religions have static scenarios. Jesus is coming or the infidels are coming to Mecca. We have many different ones. A new ice age, islands dissapearing, a massive world war, and many others you can think of.

This shows the strength of our religion. If other faiths were to make the same number of end of the world predictions that we did and consistently get it wrong nobody would believe them anymore. In our case every prediction we make just reinforces the faith of the members of the Church of Climatology. Our faith is truly strong.

Glory be to Gore in the highest and praise Leo and all the saints!

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