It is settled science brothers and sisters! You are reading the first edition of the Church of Climatology devotional! C O C devotional for short. In this publication we will be explaining and expounding on the beliefs of the church. We hope that this will help introduce us to the non-believers. If you are a believer then may the great Gore protect you and keep you from the ice age and may Leo and all the stars guide you thru the vast oceans caused by global warming. You now have the perfect tool to convince heretics. It is settled science indeed!
Since this is our first publication we must begin in the beginning. In order to understand how the church works we must first understand how it is structured. There are 2 major ranks among the faithful. Our colloquial term for these ranks are the stars and the shlubs. Movement among the ranks is based on something we call “green levels”. Once you have enough green levels you can move up in the ranks and eventually make it from shlub to star. Your current green level is determined by three things. First is strength of belief. The more you believe in climate change the higher your rank. Second is obedience. The more closely you follow our teachings and the more vocal you are about it the higher your green level becomes. Lastly we have your fame. The more famous you are the more important you become to the church of climatology. These green levels are determined by our gazers located in our Holy city of Holy Wood. In practice everyone in the religion already has strong belief and is perfectly obedient so the only variable is fame.
We now go to the individual ranks. The Sun is a special rank that was not named earlier. This is the equivalent of the Pope or the Grand imam. He is the head of our religion and his word is beyond question. In fact the word of anyone of higher rank is beyond question. The title is currently held by Al Gore. This title is unique as it cannot be gained by increasing your green levels nor can it be lost by it as well. This rank is always appointed by the party. Like with civilians controlling the military a Democrat must always control the Church of Climatology. The religion exists to serve the party after all.
These are the upper crust of the Church. They almost all live in the holy city Holy Wood and they are almost all universally loved by the membership of the church. We do have several rules that we enforce based on our beliefs. What companies to support, where to fly, and generally what to do to reduce the amount of pollution you cause. What is important to understand is that the stars are exempt from these rules. It is far too important to keep them happy. The rules we set are only to be followed by the shlubs. Any criticisms of people of higher rank will earn a loss of green levels.
We could write a lot about the shlubs but who really cares. They exist to follow orders and make our stars feel better about themselves. If shlubs wanted us to pay more attention to them they should strive to be stars. That said it is important to pretend that shlubs are valuable. The more of them there are the more special the stars feel.
As you can see our religion revolves around our sun and the stars around him. This is by design. The stars have their uses outside of the Church of Climatology. They are a great source of fundraising for the democrats, can draw crowds for rallies, and give our pet media something to talk about when they endorse our candidates. If the Church keeps them happy then they keep the party happy. To keep them happy it is your job to gain more followers for our religion. Go out there and preach! Scream it is settled science at the top of your lungs in every street corner! The blessings of the Great Gore will be upon you and the stars will look upon you with favor.